Over the years we’ve gained a bit of
a reputation for producing some of the best dressed aleheads in the
whole of Great Charlotte Street. In fact, hardly a day passes by when
we don’t hear someone walking past, muttering ‘where the fucking
hell did he get hold of them threads?’ It’s testament to our
customer’s dedication to stay one step ahead of the game in the
looking sharp stakes.
Luckily, here at the Blob, we subscribe
to the ‘what is mine is yours’ school of hosting, literally
sometimes – don’t be surprised to have a regular looming over
your shoulder for a slurp on your warm fozzies – and, as such,
we’ve compiled a handy little cut out and keep list of key items to
prevent you from looking like you’ve just stumbled out of the Penny
Fartho, shit your strides and fell head first into a clearance sale
in Solitaire. So here it is; what the well-dressed drinking man is
wearing:
Your Lid – Strictly
speaking, not clothes but it’s important to have a certain type of
head if you’re going to bevvy in the Blob. We’ve always been big
fans of that ‘just got out of bed’ look. Especially the one that
is a slightly overgrown skinhead with a huge sticking up tuft at the
sides. To really complete the look, have a greasy mop to compliment
it. A genuine Blob classic.
For those of you with a hairless lid,
try some headwear. In this economy we know that hats can be a bit of
dent in your ale money so why not try a bandage? Wrapped all around
the head has become a bit of a staple here over the years. The added
bonus, of course, is that the NHS walk in over the road dish them out
for free, usually after a game of ‘last hits’ has got a bit out
of hand on a Sunday.
Clobber (Upper)
Nothing says ‘I’ve got enough to
cover a round and a pasty’ more than a decent Members Only Jacket.
For inspiration, nip into any old person’s home or watch an episode
of ‘The Sopranos.’ We love a trackie top here at the Blob, never
more so than when worn on a bare chest. The beauty of the
jacket-on-bare-back (J.O.B.B) is that it covers all weather. If it’s
cold – zip it up. If it’s warm – unzip it. If it’s hot –
take it off. You’ll never own a more versatile bit of clobber in
your life.
As for accessories, a bit of left over
bandage on the arm will give you a decent bevvying grip while a
digital watch will let you know how long it is until you can use your
saveaway again. Here at the Blob there’ll always be someone on hand
to flog you a spare battery to boot, at a very reasonable price.
Clothing (Lower)
It’s become a bit of a recent trend
for any trackie wearers to go for that ‘full matching trackie’
look. That’s something we’d advise against. From your waist down,
what you want is maximum comfort. We suggest a cracking pair of Fruit
of the Loom kecks from the ‘Mick Foley’ range, available in a
range of colours; from grey to navy blue. They offer a tremendously
baggy arse, ideal for slouching. Secondly, they don’t constrain the
knees – giving you loads of room for manoeuvre if you’ve got a
proper moody pair of legs. Fruit of the Looms absorb almost any stain
and after a while your kecks start to have that ‘vintage’ look as
they’re cased in grease and ale. For those with a problem shaking
their nobs after a piss – the navy pair will show up hardly any
piss blobs as you walk out the bog.
For storage, the loose Fruit of the
Looms leave you wide open to some pocket slippages – we’ve found
tons of crisp packets and used bog rolls that have obviously fell out
of our customer’s pockets and got stuck, tight, right down the side
of our seats. Easily happens. Therefore, we suggest the bum bag for
all your storage needs. Preferably fluorescent in case the leccy
meter runs out again and we haven't got ten bob to sort it out.
Footwear
If you don't wear Reebok Classic, yer barred.
Formal Wear
Here at the Blob, it's not unusual for us to hold the occasional
classy night. We've had dramatic readings from Pam's interpretation
of the Vagina Monologues, 'Me and My Clunge,' a 'Singles Night' when
we were running low on spirits and a few Funeral/Darts Night cross
overs. On these occasions we expect our customers to dress up a bit
and so the above dress list needs to be tailored a bit. Obviously,
the footwear remains the same but we'd expect to see a pinstripe suit
jacket, preferably quite big over a white polo. As for legwear, a
simple light blue denim jean will fit the bill or at least a darker
pair of waterproof trackies. An arl trilby would be respectable, too.
So that's your lot – don't be one of those soft lads walking round
with long hair and jumpers. Follow these rules an you too could be
catching the eye as you waddle around town looking for a chippy while
counting your odds.
No comments:
Post a Comment